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It can safely be assumed, that if you are reading this, you have an interest in BDSM to some extent. Whether you are a seasoned veteran to the needs, wants and compulsions of the D/s lifestyle, or a newbie to the fulfilling and life-altering experiences that BDSM can offer, you can always discover new sensations, broaden your horizons, if you will. You are never too old or knowledgeable to expand your boundaries.

As a newcomer, it should be understood that BDSM is not something to be engaged on a whim. A Dominant and a submissive make a conscious and entirely mutual decision to engage in activities that might seem outside the norm. Indeed many people do not understand or approve of what the BDSM lifestyle represents, or rather, what they think it represents. Many people assume that practitioners of D/s lifestyles are amoral, deviant and somehow ‘less’ than other people. While it is true, some consensual activities that two adults can choose to engage in ‘are’ based around causing pain and torment, they are things which are tightly controlled and administered with the submissive’s best interests at heart.

Slavery as we know it in a historical context is not the slavery or submission of a D/s lifestyle. Slaves of yore were forcibly taken from their homes and kept in inhumane conditions, with no say in what they did, how they did it, or for how long they did it. There was no love, no devotion or precious little that was positive. By comparison, within a healthy and fulfilling D/s relationship, there exists all those things. Even as the Dominant has all the control, and can dictate what his or her submissive does at a given time, nothing happens without the submissive’s approval. If he or she is not comfortable with something that Dominant wants him or her to do, it simply will not be done. This is why it is necessary for the couple to sit and talk, sometimes at great length, about what it is they hope to gain from entering into a D/s relationship. Among other things, safety, personal limits and any health issues that exist on both sides should be considered and talked about before doing anything else.

This goes not only for those who live the D/s lifestyle 24/7, but also for those who only engage in it lightly when they are feeling amorous. A considerate and skillful Dominant is capable of educating his or her submissive with a firm yet loving hand in all the ways and manners that the Dominant’s desires can be met by his or her submissive. In pleasing the Dominant, the submissive finds his or her own pleasure and fulfillment. Whether or not the BDSM play is ‘turned off’ or not, the submissive should always feel safe and wanted. While fear and anxiety can play a part in a particular session, say for instance, role-play, it should never be par for the course. If a Dominant takes advantage of his or her position to brutalize or bully the submissive or force his or her will upon their partner in a way that goes beyond the bonds of safety and decency, that is ‘not’ what BDSM is about, and one hopes that the submissive has the wherewithal to escape that toxic relationship.

Rest assured that the actions of a ‘bad’ Dominant are one of the surest ways to breed mistrust and fear among those who only want a loving, considerate and capable Dominant. It doesn’t matter if a bad Dominant does what he or she does because they are willfully malicious, or because they are merely naive and are not aware how a ‘proper’ D/s relationship should be lived, both have the same capacity to irreparably harm the submissive who put such faith in them.

That isn’t to say that a firm yet tender and kind Dominant cannot undo the damage that a lesser Dom/Domme caused previously, but it can be a slow process. Thus, working with someone who has suffered at the hands of bad Dom/Domme is primarily suited only for the most patient, resilient and understanding of people. But with that in mind, it is proof that a D/s relationship can not only be the most loving, the warmest, most affectionate life experience, it can also offer up the most intense and memorable diversions that color one’s own wants and needs for the rest of their lives.

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